shots fired

shots fired.

but the world keeps moving
kinda like i...
like nothing ever happened.
like i never tried or...
no one ever noticed.
so easily misunderstood
that concept
so complicated...
yet so simple.

shots fired.

the impact forces me back
landing flat on my back
once more
but people still... they...
they step over me like
nothing happened.
did i shoot?
did i hit?
did i miss?

i think i closed my eyes when i
shot...
because blindly, i followed you
blind leading the blind
but did you know you were leading me?
did i know i was following you?
or was i just taking the path
i thought i should take for the time being..........

shots fired... once again.

what the heck was i aiming at?
like seriously...did i have a target
or was i in it
for fun?
either way, i'm down 4 bullets and
i don't know how many more i have left.........
what if an emergency arises
and someone steps into the
line of fire..............
attack?
no, i meant ATTACK!
or did i...
was my first instinct correct
or apathetic?

why am i constantly questioning myself?
my judgment
my appearance
my confidence
my intelligence
my humor
my personality
my salvation
my patience
my authority
the list always continues, but...
i'm stopping.
i can't figure that out... it's like...
i don't know...
like i project security
while being standed on the desert island of
insecurity.
it's... it's like...
hmmm...
it's like i portray the most beautiful
picture of confidence
while actually being the epitome of apprehension...
walking
talking
living
breathing
seeing
speaking
sanguine
choleric
oxymoronical contradiction.
that's me....
i don't know whether to feel like i'm complex
or wishy washy.
either way...
i don't know.

shots fired.

crap... i lost count.
but this is fun... i think i'm actually
starting to get someone's attention.
he's looking around and sees
finally
and he might have even heard that shot
because it was really loud
and it echoed.
why do i keep trying?
did i want his attention? or...
was it a figment of my imagination...
or...
am i suffering from delusions of grandeur...
i'm just doing what i want to
at this point... let's see...

shots fired... again.

*giggling*
i got more attention! yesss...
that's definitely a good thing... can't be a
bad thing, you know?
because i'm not obsolete
anymore
and i'm not being overlooked
or overstepped
or crossed.
and i'm talking
walking
breathing
living
singing
shouting
and laughing.
no more uncertainty or
disbelief or
hiding in the shadows of my mind.
still unsure of how many

shots fired...

because everytime i shoot... even though i miss
i get what i want.
isn't that what it's about?
hey... where'd you go? i thought...
i thought you were here for me
with me
that's what you said, right?
right!
answer me!
what did i do wrong?
back to questioning myself...
if i shot 6 times then there's still one in the safety...
so here goes nothing...

shots fired.

my... breath... is...
leaving... me...
i... shot... in... the... dark...
what did i hit?
did i lose my target?
or was my target myself
all along...........................

(c) ronetta cheryll