a discouraged perfectionist

to whom it may concern;


the road less traveled is so scenic and definitely breathtaking...so many colors and angles...but it's so quiet and sometimes it gets lonely. sometimes i find someone traveling this road, too, and i get the urge to strike up conversation. i'm sorry if i deterred you from your quiet season, it's just that i want to TALK about all this stuff, although i know i'm supposed to be quiet, too. *sigh* it's hard. especially when you're as talkative and easily excited as i am.

i like words. i like to write them. to use them. i like finding new ones (that secretly excites me, don't tell anyone). i like finding ambiguous meanings and contexts for old ones, too. i just like expression. i can't keep how i feel to myself, especially when it's a new, exciting, or even awkward feeling... but i just can't TALK[ugh] right NOW[ugh]...it's weird. i mean, i can try to help, encourage, advise...but i'm not in the spotlight right now...a leo not on stage.

my life's just kinda...going...on some path. and for the first time in the history of life, i have no idea HOW to explain it. it's like seeing a color and not knowing what it is. you see it clearly, but you can't describe it...you may not even know the word of what the color actually is. it's frustrating...because i LOVE this color, but i couldn't tell you which family it's in, or what shade it is, or even if it's conglomerate, primary, or secondary. i'm looking RIGHT at it, and i don't know.

random.

then it dawns on me that maybe i don't need to explain where i am. for once, i don't need to justify myself or my experience to anyone else. if anyone knew just one-third of what i've gone through in the past 3 years, you would wonder 1) how i'm still living and 2) why i chose to live. it is BANANAS.

i'm not going to take this time to explain myself or 'testify' (by the way, i'm SICK of the commerciality of EVERYTHING right now that was created to be pure, especially holidays and religion) about where i've come from...i just want to take this time to say i don't know. and that's okay with me.

weird.

because normally i have to know everything before it happens (impossible) and i panic when something catches me off guard (10.23.09)...then when i finally get used to whatever occurred, i'm either too comfortable or i've missed it altogether.

i'm changing.

it probably won't be sudden or expected...or even conventional. *smiles* but i am changing.

i almost deactivated my fb account...*pause* what?

i've never fathomed humility before...for a long time it was a foreign concept. if i spoke out of turn or was too crass, i'm sorry. i've never apologized for my tongue...i felt...always felt...that i said what i meant to say and it was timely. but that's not true. i'm learning timing now. it's time to just be...and be quiet.

i've been researching some things...and i've had a few dreams...and some people have come and gone...some have remained and i'm grateful. but i love change. just like seasons, people change. i'm changing, so others will, too. *chuckles* and that's growth. and sometimes growth separates.

i can't say how sorry i am for wearing layers in the middle of summer, or tanning in the middle of winter...i hope you can forgive me and see that it's winter and i'm waiting for spring, but while it's winter, i'm wearing my peacoat and scarf. i'm not rushing anything anymore. not speaking too soon, or moving too quickly. whatever it takes to get to where i need (not want) to be, that's what i'll do.

i'm changing from a discouraged perfectionist into a perfectly flawed woman striving for excellence. and i'm sorry.


in hindsight,
ronetta

(c) ronetta cheryll