a dream.

coming off of an emotionally unstable period of time, i've found myself on my knees: gathering the pieces of my broken life as if it were delicate seashells scattered upon a coastline. each seashell is attached to a memory, causing me to look at each one nostalgically before i'm able to move on to pick up the next one. so many emotional things have translated into physical hurt--headaches, tension, ulcers... the list goes on, but i find it necessary to stop. dwelling on pain only causes it to persist, and so i move past it; i move on.


i must be here for some great purpose; created for something higher than what i can even fathom. someone omniscient must be behind these happenings in order for good to come from them... because i can't see it. i feel i'm in a constant state of learning. trapped in life's labyrinth of uncertainty and dispair, i am in a perpetual state of seeking validity and truth. where is the truth? someone please tell me the truth! everyday i feel smothered and asphyxiated by yet another lie... i don't believe anything and it's gotten to the point where i believe nothing i hear and only half of what i see. optical illusions permeate reality causing me to doubt even my most dominant sense.


i feel so trapped within myself. like this body i have is only an outershell of who i really am. as i struggle to survive, i question my own sanity... question my purpose... question my existence. the thoughts i think today seem other-worldly; as if my mind is something selestial while my body is temporal. discrepancies overpower actuality and i feel my mind sink into total oblivion. where am i physically versus mentally? can the two be compared, and if so, on what scale? is there a difference between mind and soul? can my reason be deemed invalid by my emotions? can my emotions be deemed illogical by my reason? so many questions plague my mind on an unvarying basis... the same questions in a different form cause me to see the sunrise but on all 360 possible angles.


if only i could remember how to trust again. if i could just get back to mental infancy where i depend totally on someone who is more powerful than me... someone who can protect me from the evil of this world, which is free will. i want to live out my life and discover something new everyday, but i'm stuck in a box in which i've been placed by oppressors.


who is omnipotent enough to save me from myself? does he exist and if so, how did he come to be? i want to meet this being and liken myself to him...

(c) ronetta cheryll