walker is out of order

i guess this is a little more introduction for those of you who don't [quite/yet] know me personally. for those who do, it's more detail.

i go by ronetta cheryll (pronounced sher-ELLE). for those of you who are uber cool and fantastic and think cheryll is my last name, so i must be some mysterious, exotic beauty--hi 5s to you. you're partially correct (lol); but it's my middle name.

i don't use my last name for anything un-tax or un-employment related. not because it isn't a standard last name or i don't like it; but because, i don't know it.

when you get a last name, it's not a choice. it's a surname that your family has, typically superimposed by the patriarch of the family. i have the same last name as ronnie, and ronnie's family, but i'm not what you would call "in relation" to many of them.

i didn't grow up with the walkers. i didn't see my grandparents from age 1 or 2 until age 14. i have an aunt and an uncle. very established, very well off, very busy. too busy for ronetta, in most cases. i have one cousin (uncle's son) who is in his 2nd year of college. i've seen him once in my entire life.

not your typical "related" experience, right? so i've opted out, per se, of using walker as my last name, socially. i'd rather create my own familial experience that involves me and the people who have weathered certain storms with me, than to be labeled as a walker--something i'm not familiar with being.

people who better know the walkers say i get a lot of my personality traits from them. this is really cool, because it's all genetic (if that's the case). however, i don't see how personality (based on experience) can develop from "nature". it develops through nurture, and that portion has a fat question mark by it.

here's how i got my name:
ronetta- a mix of ronnie and annette (my mom's middle name)
it's scandinavian and means "mighty power"
cheryll- derived from cheryl (my mom's first name)
it comes from beryl, which means semi-precious stone

secret: my mom and ronnie, calling themselves "original" initially put an apostrophe (of all things to put in my name, you put an apostrophe? egregious) between the l's in cheryll. now, i have taken the liberty (and decency) of removing that because it's unnecessary. yes, people say "cheryl" or "sher-rill" sometimes, but i correct them and everyone's happy.

i just refuse to use that apostrophe. it gives the spelling way more personality than i need added.

my mom was remarried when i was 5 years old to another guy with a random last name. my mom asked if i wanted to be adopted because my stepdad was willing to adopt me so i could change my last name.

*blank stare*

and take on that last name? i'll deal with my current demons, thank you (lol). although i was never adopted, i still call my stepdad "dad", because he took care of me my entire life. he came to my graduations, he took me to my 8th grade dance...no, no; not because it was cutesy fartsy and father/daughter themed (because it definitely was not), but because i wasn't allowed to go without a chaperone because of those pesky referrals. he came to some of my basketball games; he and my mom actually taught me how to play basketball when i was about 4 years old and i never stopped.

so i like this guy. he's far from perfect, but he was always around. even if he was slightly absent minded.

i didn't legally drop walker because, well, i don't want to spend money on ridding myself of something that never did anything for me. i'd rather prove to all of them that it's their loss that they don't know me well, by keeping the last name. that way one day, when i'm big (on google, of course), they will never be able to get rid of me in their searches.

to clear it up a bit, i do keep in scattered contact with my aunt and my grandfather. my aunt and i fell off a bit, and then ended up finding common ground. she has sense, and i have sense, so why not keep in touch, right? pretty cool lady. i also keep up with my grandfather. he's retired, has a boat, and likes to fish and garden. really cool guy, very down to earth.

i do wish i could've spent more time getting to know that side of my family, but ronnie's plight made it extremely difficult. not to mention, he helped matters so much by defaming me as i got older, to my now deceased grandmother, who never confirmed any information with me, but trusted that he (read: convict) was telling the absolute truth. i don't blame her and i'm not mad at her. i pray she rests peacefully. i just wish that i was given a chance. i was just a kid when all this was happening.

needless to say, i grew up quickly. fantasy and imagination weren't things i had or experienced--i was expected to understand and learn, quickly. what 9 year old has mood swings because of home stress and school pressure? *raises hand*

i remember writing in my journal, and the entries always being extremely vivid concerning what someone looked like (prettier than me or better than me) or how they treated me (badly). when i'd write, i'd imagine that i was married to the perfect man and had 3 perfect kids (2 boys and 1 girl). their names would be perfect. my house, perfect. my 4 rottweilers, perfect. the land surrounding my house, perfect.

...because things were just not that great.