rant post, because you can always keep your legs closed

someone just called my job trying to force me to do something i physically can't do, repeatedly. and what does that do to me? it irritates me.

it also seems like rape, except there was no touching involved.

i'm a legal drug dealer. i should probably go into great detail about this and blah blah blah, but it's quite simple. i give ladies birth control. it's really that simple.

well, there's more to it, but for the sake of introduction, that's all there is to it (for now).

so i answer my phone, because that's what i do, and i ask how i can help, right? sounds pleasant enough.

immediately, this chick starts spouting off a rant about how her doctor ordered her kid stopper machine intra-uterine device (IUD) in may...

stop and check your calendar: it's october. then end of october, lady. so shut the hell up.

...and her current stopper expires in november, and she still doesn't have the new one. then she proceeds to tell me to look it up and she wants to order it now, because this is really unprofessional.

*pause* is it really unprofessional? or is the fact that you did not introduce yourself, your doctor's name, or the nature of your call, at the beginning of the conversation?

me: *deep breath* okay ma'am (and you know what ma'am means), you can't place the order becuase it's a specialty item; the doctor must always place the order on your behalf. so what you're saying is your doctor ordered an actual IUD (not possible, because their office would have it on the shelf, seeing as though it takes 1 business day for them to have it once we ship it) and it is now 5 months later, and they are stating they do not have it, but they have not called us?

her: can you just look me up?!

me: no, i cannot look you up by your name. if you have a case number (hipaa, anyone? hello?) the verification/reimbursement department can see if your doctor ordered a benefits verification, but i can't check that in the distribution department (because we distribute, not verify. clearly).

broad: well someone needs to check this! my IUD expires next month and i need a new one.

me: have you had your benefits verified? is it possible--

douche bag: look, i just need the IUD. how can i get it?

me: *long pause* your doctor has to order it if you have medical insurance. if they do not want to do that, you can pay out of pocket for it, via the specialty pharmacy.

idiot: you know what? i don't even need this! i will just go with another pharmaceutical company who will give it to me! i just want to buy it.

me: okay, bye. *in my nail filing, yawning voice*

now, here's a piece of information: my office is the sole distributor of this contraceptive devise. *stewie griffin voice* that's right, mitch. you can't get it anywhere else but from me. so get over it.

it gets richer here.

me: *answering phone* this is ronetta, how can i help?

same freaking lady: okay, i apologize if i sound a little frustrated, but i have been on the phone for 2 goddamned hours trying to figure this out.

my thoughts, you ask? maybe if you would eat a slice of shut the hell up pie, you would have saved your precious 2 hours and understood the process.

me: ma'am? yeah, it's me again. i can definitely repeat the same thing i told you the last time we spoke, but after you ask me a question, i really need you to shut the hell up wait for me to answer that question, okay?

her: okay, okay. i'm just really frustrated and--

me: i get that, ma'am. but you have to listen to the answer so you know what comes next.

her: okay, okay.

me: you need to have your benefits officially verified so that we, as a certified company and the sole distributor, can make that information available to your doctor's office, so that they can proceed with placing the order at your request.

her: but they won't--

me: no ma'am. you need to listen. *pauses, hears her sigh* once they are aware of how much your insurance will cover, they can place the order. get this--they have 90 days to pay for the IUD, which means, they can submit their invoice to your insurance company. your insurance company is contracted to pay whatever we confirmed with them, which means they will send your doctor's office a check for the amount promised. your doctor will then pay for the IUD, and you can pay for the remaining amount through the doctor's office.

her: *whining* but they won't do that! they got burned before and patients wouldn't pay!

me: if we verify that your insurance is paying for it, and you would only owe a very small percentage (more than likely a co-payment) of the IUD, then your doctor's office would not be footing the bill--you would.

her: but they won't--

me: okay, so plan B is that your doctor--yes, they still have to place the order--places the order for you with the specialty pharmacy. they will contact you for pay--

her: they won't order!! they wo--

me: --MENT arrangements, and you will be fiscally responsible for the entire cost of the unit. we will ship the unit to the doctor's office, so they don't have to pay.

her: but if i do that, my insurance will only cover 80%!

me: option C is to go to another physician who will order the unit according to what we and your insurance company are requesting.

her: i don't want to go to another doctor--

me: that's option C, ma'am, meaning you still have options A and B to go through first.

her: so you want me to go to another doctor--

me: ma'am. i want you to calm down and understand that this process is fairly simple, and there are plenty of options.

her: i'm not going to another doctor!

me: *hardest sigh ever*

her: i don't want someone else sticking stuff up my insides! my current doctor knows all of my medical history. i've lost 230 pounds and gotten plastic surgery. i want my doctor to do this procedure! i--

me: plain and simple, then, your doctor has to order the IUD. bottom line, that's it. they have to bill your medical insurance, or you have to pay out of pocket and be reimbursed. that's it, there's no more to it.

her: you know what? fine. this is totally ridiculous.

me: okay, bye.

i'm sorry, but this device is not the only form of kid prevention. there are pills, there are shots, there is the ring you stick up your lady parts your damn self, there is even a copper T shaped thingy that stays in your vag for 10 freaking years. get over yourself.

either you do it the way everyone else has to do it (with plenty of viable options) or you don't get the unit. it's not both and it's not neither. it's one or the other.

if she calls back again, it's gonna be ronetta vs. bitch, not office employee vs. patient.