finally...

i finally feel like i can write now.
right now.


the past few months have been a damn doozy, to say the freaking least (lol). i haven't posted anything since january 13. i guess i could blame a lot of things for that, but instead, blanketed, i was just tired. i wasn't resting well, my knee felt like it wasn't improving, and things were just not right.


jesse and i celebrated 2 years on february 7. we broke up on march 16. the weeks leading up to the breakup weren't the best. our communication was suffering, we were both on different pages, it was best for us to stop. i didn't want us to end up hating each other, altogether, so we agreed on a break.


surprisingly, i'm feeling pretty awesome since then. i'm doing a lot more things just for me, as the mood strikes--whether it's taking a different route home, walking until my knee feels like it's going to fall off or taking a shot on my lunch break, lol. i have been enjoying my life and the freedom i have doing whatever i want, when the mood hits me. i just focus on me and making myself a better person. i don't have to worry about anyone else or focus on what they're doing/not doing. it's been pretty cool so far.


work has been...a mess. my managers really make me wonder if they're aliens or demon-possessed. just very...off...a lot. i should work for myself, permanently.


i've been doing some reflecting, more working out, more meditating, etc...and it's been great. i want to be a much better person, just for me. and that's where i start--finding things i want to change about myself, and actually working towards changing them.


it's been pretty good.

an omitable chapter, because clearly abuse sucks

an omitable chapter in my life definitely has to be when i kinda dated a guy named donnell. i definitely could've gone totally without that ever happening. i gained nothing from it, and it pretty much brought the worst out of me. sucks, but it's true.

okay, okay...i'll go into detail (sheesh, don't have a cow).

let's rewind a bit back to january 2008. no, december 2007.

i returned from spain on december 19, 2007. it was awesome to be back home, driving my car and not working and just being awesome all the time. i missed spain because it was really pretty and cool, but it was nice to be back in the states.

i started talking to an infamous ex-boyfriend (brandon), who i'd been dealing with on and off at that point for about 3 years. in january 2008, i went to my homegirl's 21st birthday party and had a great time. minus the fact that this dude blew my entire life by calling and texting me the whole time.

prior to my drive to the party (i was in annapolis, party was in woodbridge, so it took a solid hour to get there), i told him "i will be at a party tonight, so i will hit you later when i'm free."

i guess that meant "please call me 10 times in 3 hours and send me 20+ text messages, then tell me it's because you were concerned."

c'mon dude. you were not concerned. you were keeping tabs and got in your feelings when i didn't respond.

but i digress.

a few weeks later, i stopped getting calls and texts altogether. fine by me, but with our history, i at least wanted to make sure everything was alright. we'd go through this every so often; all of a sudden he would stop calling/texting/e-mailing/facebooking/communi-cating/breathing and we'd fall off again.

this time was different. this time was because *insert longest drumroll ever here* he got someone pregnant and the baby was here.

*pause* what? are you kidding me?

yes. this guy got someone pregnant in april 2007.

rewind for me again. we went through an on/off stage from march through may 2007. who does that? lucky for me, we did not have sex during that time, or he may have had twins by two different pissed off women.

so i contact him via facebook--since he blatantly refused to answer any of my other attempts--and he smugly replies that i was only mad because i was on the outside looking in and some other royal bs. royal.

on the outside looking in, doesn't even make sense in that context. i think that's what irritated me the most. because clearly.
i got so mad that i left campus in search of his car. i knew he was at work (which just so happened to be up the street from my last class), but for some reason i just could not find that freaking car. and i guess it was to his benefit, because i was going to key the mess out of it. i had a swiss army knife and i was going to poke the tires. i had a brick and i was going to bust the windows. i was going to make that car look like it had been totalled.

but i just couldn't find it! imagine how much more pissed i was at that point.

i went to the bar and drank. i didn't really give myself an opportunity to cry because i didn't feel he was worth that kind of effort (strange, considering i almost killed his car).

2 weeks later, i'm back at the neighborhood bar (northside richmond, a restaurant called sandy's...i knew the owner) throwing a few back before class. when all of a sudden...

this guy walks in. he sits right next to me, and in typical ronetta "i don't know you so move. thanks, management" behavior, i turn all the way around in my seat, blocking him out of the conversation i was having with my friends (who are also my godsister's husband's family members--another post, another day).

he says, "excuse me, can i grab a napkin?" the napkins distance, for him, would've been reaching across me, so i moved a bit and went back to conversation.

then he gave me a 2-piece combo. "you're so pretty. you're not from around here, are you."

what can i say? i'm a leo...we like positive attention. so without blushing i said thank you and told him that i was from maryland but i went to vcu.

he said he went to morehouse for a few years but ended up coming back home when his dad got sick.

sorry to hear that.

he buys me a few drinks. blah blah blah. i love free stuff. i love stuff i don't have to pay for, so he was at least cool in my book.

we exchanged numbers and i went to class.

yes, i went to class. i guess this is where i should tell you that at that point, yeah, i was somewhat of a professional.

the next day passes, no call. fine by me, too much going on. but the second day, i get a call. he wants to chill.

i know where chilling leads, so i said no. and that it'd be better if he planned something for us to do because i'm busy.

ha. busy. i was kinda busy...i wasn't working but i was waiting for a response on an interview i had the week before. school kept me kinda busy. but not busy enough to not chill. i chilled all the time.

the next day i found out i got the job at the hotel. i started training that weekend and met another cool guy (no, he was actually cool. no sarcasm at all there, i promise) and we hung out a lot.

the cool guy invited me out for drinks (not donnell, because he's not a cool guy), and it just so happened to be one of my friends' birthdays, so we went to buffalo wild wings.

i still remember what i drank that night. 2 vodka & cranberrys, 2 whiskey sours, 4 top shelf long island iced teas, 4 shots of patron (i went shot for shot with someone).

needless to say, i was totally plastered when we left. my friend drove my car, and since i was supposed to be the DD, he had to drop other people off at home before taking me home, and another friend had to follow us so he'd have a ride home.

quite the night, right?

instead of me going to my own house (i lived with my godsister's husband's mother at the time), i call donnell to come pick me up from my house so i could go to his house. this entire time, i was also texting another friend in maryland to come down and chill for the weekend. that never happened. who does that.

that night, i puked all over his bathroom and then fell asleep all over his bed. he had to sleep on the couch.

and that was the first time donnell and i hung out. awesome, right?

the next morning, i woke up totally disoriented as to how i got there, but he was really friendly and asked if i was hungry. he made breakfast and we watched saturday morning cartoons. that's when we started to click a bit. weird, right?

right.

fast forward a few months. in this time period, i'd dealt with being stalked (by one of his exes), having to change my phone number (one i'd had for 3 years), almost having to call the police to come get me out of his house (yeah, he locked me inside and took my car and cell phone), and some very physical altercations.

in any order, i:
punched him in his stomach
slapped him across his face
punched/busted him in his chest
kicked him in his chest
punched him in his throat/neck
punched him in his arm
jacked him in his collar

you know, the funny (not haha, because it's clearly not that kind of funny) part about this, is that i look abusive. it's true, i will admit that. but here are the measurements:

i was 5'9", he was pushing 6'4".
i weighed about 170, he weighed about 225.
i had boobs, he had balls. i never hit him in his balls. that's just wrong.

he had this thing about him--he liked to be in complete control. physically, mentally, emotionally and even sexually. he never forced himself on me, and i think that's really because of his prison stint (any convict who has not committed a crime against a woman or child, would kill another person who committed this crime).

i'm not one who is easily controlled on any of those levels.

he had an attitude problem. he was way too aggressive. he was way too controlling. i have never been locked in someone else's house. ever. that is probably close to the worst feeling ever, especially when you are left with no communication method and no way out. i had to search high and low for the house phone, then charge it, in order to call him on my cell phone.

anytime something became physical, it was because of something he said to me (in an effort to control me) or something he did to me. he would grab me, and i would snatch my arm away, then punch him. it's really awful that he didn't learn from the first time i fought back.

there was never a time where i didn't fight back. i just stuck around because it was what i came to expect from him and i could deal with it.

but my breaking point was probably when he said he wanted to have children and expected for us to be together for a while. how can you even fix your mind to want to be with someone with whom you are constantly in physical altercations? considering the fact that he already had 3 daughters (and i would not want them to see their father's behavior towards me and feel like that's what they should expect from men, generally), while he did have arrangements with their mothers (mmhmm, plural) to take care of them, he was not totally on point with this.

so i slowly backed away. i stopped visiting as much. stopped answering phone calls. told my receptionist to stop patching his calls through and tell him i was in a meeting.

about a month later, i popped up at his house just to say hi and see how he was doing. we talked a bit and came to a common ground about not seeing each other. in my eyes, we were never in a relationship. in his eyes, we were close to being married. that completely shows anyone just how incompatible we were.

a few months later, however, he called me thinking we should start over.

my response: absolutely not. if i have to hit you for us to come to an agreement, it's never going to work.

walker is out of order

i guess this is a little more introduction for those of you who don't [quite/yet] know me personally. for those who do, it's more detail.

i go by ronetta cheryll (pronounced sher-ELLE). for those of you who are uber cool and fantastic and think cheryll is my last name, so i must be some mysterious, exotic beauty--hi 5s to you. you're partially correct (lol); but it's my middle name.

i don't use my last name for anything un-tax or un-employment related. not because it isn't a standard last name or i don't like it; but because, i don't know it.

when you get a last name, it's not a choice. it's a surname that your family has, typically superimposed by the patriarch of the family. i have the same last name as ronnie, and ronnie's family, but i'm not what you would call "in relation" to many of them.

i didn't grow up with the walkers. i didn't see my grandparents from age 1 or 2 until age 14. i have an aunt and an uncle. very established, very well off, very busy. too busy for ronetta, in most cases. i have one cousin (uncle's son) who is in his 2nd year of college. i've seen him once in my entire life.

not your typical "related" experience, right? so i've opted out, per se, of using walker as my last name, socially. i'd rather create my own familial experience that involves me and the people who have weathered certain storms with me, than to be labeled as a walker--something i'm not familiar with being.

people who better know the walkers say i get a lot of my personality traits from them. this is really cool, because it's all genetic (if that's the case). however, i don't see how personality (based on experience) can develop from "nature". it develops through nurture, and that portion has a fat question mark by it.

here's how i got my name:
ronetta- a mix of ronnie and annette (my mom's middle name)
it's scandinavian and means "mighty power"
cheryll- derived from cheryl (my mom's first name)
it comes from beryl, which means semi-precious stone

secret: my mom and ronnie, calling themselves "original" initially put an apostrophe (of all things to put in my name, you put an apostrophe? egregious) between the l's in cheryll. now, i have taken the liberty (and decency) of removing that because it's unnecessary. yes, people say "cheryl" or "sher-rill" sometimes, but i correct them and everyone's happy.

i just refuse to use that apostrophe. it gives the spelling way more personality than i need added.

my mom was remarried when i was 5 years old to another guy with a random last name. my mom asked if i wanted to be adopted because my stepdad was willing to adopt me so i could change my last name.

*blank stare*

and take on that last name? i'll deal with my current demons, thank you (lol). although i was never adopted, i still call my stepdad "dad", because he took care of me my entire life. he came to my graduations, he took me to my 8th grade dance...no, no; not because it was cutesy fartsy and father/daughter themed (because it definitely was not), but because i wasn't allowed to go without a chaperone because of those pesky referrals. he came to some of my basketball games; he and my mom actually taught me how to play basketball when i was about 4 years old and i never stopped.

so i like this guy. he's far from perfect, but he was always around. even if he was slightly absent minded.

i didn't legally drop walker because, well, i don't want to spend money on ridding myself of something that never did anything for me. i'd rather prove to all of them that it's their loss that they don't know me well, by keeping the last name. that way one day, when i'm big (on google, of course), they will never be able to get rid of me in their searches.

to clear it up a bit, i do keep in scattered contact with my aunt and my grandfather. my aunt and i fell off a bit, and then ended up finding common ground. she has sense, and i have sense, so why not keep in touch, right? pretty cool lady. i also keep up with my grandfather. he's retired, has a boat, and likes to fish and garden. really cool guy, very down to earth.

i do wish i could've spent more time getting to know that side of my family, but ronnie's plight made it extremely difficult. not to mention, he helped matters so much by defaming me as i got older, to my now deceased grandmother, who never confirmed any information with me, but trusted that he (read: convict) was telling the absolute truth. i don't blame her and i'm not mad at her. i pray she rests peacefully. i just wish that i was given a chance. i was just a kid when all this was happening.

needless to say, i grew up quickly. fantasy and imagination weren't things i had or experienced--i was expected to understand and learn, quickly. what 9 year old has mood swings because of home stress and school pressure? *raises hand*

i remember writing in my journal, and the entries always being extremely vivid concerning what someone looked like (prettier than me or better than me) or how they treated me (badly). when i'd write, i'd imagine that i was married to the perfect man and had 3 perfect kids (2 boys and 1 girl). their names would be perfect. my house, perfect. my 4 rottweilers, perfect. the land surrounding my house, perfect.

...because things were just not that great.

43. get my knee checked out

so i decided (not really, but i digress) to get started on my 52in52 list by getting my knee checked out. i went to the ER yesterday--by force, not by choice--because i *ahem* mis-stepped and felt a crack in my knee. immediately following, my knee felt like it had exploded into flames. phoenix-esque, if you will. of course, i ignored this at first because i had to go to work, and i'm still within the confines of my probationary period.

let's rewind a bit. the reason why #43 is even on my list to begin with, is because i have been procrastinating--something i am really good at doing--about getting it looked at. about a month ago, i fell down 2 concrete stairs outside of jesse's parents' house in DC. it was so much fun that i sat there, on the concrete sidewalk, to soak in some sun. i looked to my left and the top of my foot was scratched up.

sidenote: how do you scratch up the top of your foot? how does that work? although i did this, i don't know how.

to my right, my knee was sore but there were no visible love marks from the stairs. jesse looks down and says, "what are you doing? what just happened?" i forgot to mention, i was in mid sentence when this fall occurred. so he's hovering over me, looking extremely puzzled--he's lucky he's cute.

so jesse helps me up, i brush myself off a bit and  walk limp to the car.

about a week later, this limp is going nowhere and i'm like mayyyybe i should go to the doctor.

this is the fun part. i called the medical insurance company to make sure my coverage was going to pay for the visit and when it would expire (i started a new job, but i still had coverage from the old one, lasting until the end of the month). they confirmed that it would expire at the end of the day on 7/31.

awesome. i will just go to the doctor on 7/31, then, and get everything taken care of. i didn't want to be in the doctor's office on my 25th birthday, or laid up in the bed as doctor's orders on my birthday, either.

i get to the urgent care facility on sunday (7/31), and their online system is showing that my benefits are inactive. i about lost it. i specifically called to verify the date and time they'd expire.

soon after, i found out that the urgent care facility was the culprit--they verify insurance online, and if they'd been able to call and verify, the coverage would've taken care of this visit. so at this point, i have no insurance. my new job's limited coverage hadn't kicked in yet, and so...i was screwed.

i tried the holistic approach--well, kind of. i took ibuprofen to help with swelling and inflammation, and i did a lot of icing and elevation. for the most part, it worked. i still couldn't bend my knee very well, but i didn't limp anymore on flat surfaces; i just struggled going up and down the stairs and walking on inclines and declines. no biggie, right?

wrong. yesterday morning i messed everything up again. i mis-stepped and felt the whole burning sensation and pop. i told jesse what happened and he was like, you're going to the doctor after work.

now typically with jesse, i can wiggle my way out of things like this by convincing him that everything is cool and i'm fine and it will get better--like i did the last time. but this time he didn't budge. smh.

so i go to the ER, just because i know they have all the equipment necessary to properly diagnose the problem. it didn't take too long...less than 3 hours. i found out that i may have a bone cyst. it's not an effect of the fall, but it could be the reason my knee is so weak and gave way to the fall. the doctor also thinks i may need an mri to see if maybe i tore the miniscus.

i now have this war-ready knee brace that spans from my middle upper thigh to my lower calf. and crutches. and best of all, i'm at work today.

my life rocks.

but! that is one week down of things to knock off on my 52in52. by default :)

52in52

52in52: i saw this idea on a blog i read pretty regularly, http://pilesofwashing.blogspot.com/, and figured it was a cool idea. so, i chose 52 things i will do in 52 weeks, and if not completed, i will donate $5 per item not completed to susan g. komen for the cure to support breast cancer research and awareness.

i am going to post about each adventure at the end of each week on saturday. i probably will not go in order, either, lol...

so here goes...my 52in52.

1. run a 10k for charity
2. try a new recipe from a renowned chef
3. drink only water (for the entire week)
4. go to a winery/wine tasting and actually buy a bottle of wine i enjoy after the tasting
5. have a weekend all to myself at least once
6. enjoy an entire weekend with jesse with no cell phones
7. participate in a karaoke night (instead of just laughing and watching)
8. travel to a neighboring country (canada or mexico)
9. travel to a state i've never visited, outside of the EST time zone
10. make a new dessert from scratch
11. create a new recipe
12. throw a housewarming for my mom
13. have my car detailed
14. adopt a puppy
15. offer free hair services to less fortunate women and children (via community agency)
16. read 2 books per month
17. get down to 160 lbs (it's okay; i promise i won't look sick, lol)
18. get a physical (ugh...)
19. go to bed at 9:15 pm
20. try to rid myself of my fear of birds--pigeons and seagulls, specifically--by undergoing some sort of treatment (??) like hypnosis
21. buy an awesome gift for my sister
22. take a vow of silence on a saturday
23. go dancing
24. drive to the nearest body of water and tan
25. stick to a budget for [at least] one month
26. make thanksgiving dinner alone
27. send a package to a friend i've been out of touch with (i really like this one)
28. go to a concert
29. go to a ravens game and a redskins game (maybe when they play each other)
30. go without internet for a whole weekend at home
31. learn to [properly] sew
32. take a day trip to philadelphia, for history's sake
33. talk to my ob/gyn about fertility testing & ovulation (yeah, i want kids in a few years)
34. make a necklace, earrings, and bracelet set
35. drink only all-natural fruit smoothies for a week
36. start a young womens book club (ages 23-30)
37. [finally] get my advice column blog up and running (starting with sorting letters and entries)
38. consider getting lasik eye surgery (i have horrible astigmatism)
39. take a pottery class
40. take a bikram yoga class
41. take a day to pamper myself--manicure, pedicure, massage, facial, waxing, and hair
42. run a mile under 7 mins
43. get my knee checked out
44. purchase a new bike and ride twice a week
45. no eating at restaurants for a month
46. try a new exotic food
47. break out the rollerblades [at least] once a month
48. get a brazilian (yipe...)
49. have a sleepover for my goddaughter at my house with 10 of her friends (omg)
50. donate blood (this process upsets me, because i will go to donate and my iron levels are too low. so low, that the phlebotomists usually ask me if i'm okay or need to see a doctor. smh...)
51. don't use "lol" for an entire week
52. write a [good] haiku

i wish i could add go back to spain in this, but time and money are troublesome here, lol. but i would make that #53.

feel free to join me in making your own 52in52! this should be good...

cheers,
ronetta

dear life

things aren't always what they seem...one day you think everything's going the way you planned, the next day the world does this cartwheel and now my face is on the ground. i haven't done a cartwheel in like 5 years. it's strange. life has a very very intriguing way of shaking you up a bit. well i'm pretty shook, and i've never felt so completely tired and lost. not even a 48-hour period of sleep could cure this kind of tired.

everything that glitters isn't gold. which sucks, because i like shimmery things. a lot. probably too much. i have a lot of earrings, too. *kicks dirt*

i'm not in the mood for what i do like anymore...i'm more so concerned with eliminating what i DON'T like, even if that means people. yeah i said it, dang it *stomps foot* and i mean it. if you suck, i am not dealing with you anymore, lol. i hate to sound so middle school-esque, but yeah.

life is a strange, weird, strange, and just weird entity. it isn't something i can even readily fathom. as soon as i feel i've gotten a hold on its infinite concept(s), it does something that i never calculated. random people who have always been around are now taking on new roles in my LIFE. can you not? lol. can you please not do this to me, life? could you just ask first, before you impose your friggin randomness? it's not fair. haha...i made a funny. life isn't fair.

cheers to you, life. *holds up orange juice* you are officially amazing.

an actual lion,
ronetta

(c) ronetta cheryll