an omitable chapter, because clearly abuse sucks

an omitable chapter in my life definitely has to be when i kinda dated a guy named donnell. i definitely could've gone totally without that ever happening. i gained nothing from it, and it pretty much brought the worst out of me. sucks, but it's true.

okay, okay...i'll go into detail (sheesh, don't have a cow).

let's rewind a bit back to january 2008. no, december 2007.

i returned from spain on december 19, 2007. it was awesome to be back home, driving my car and not working and just being awesome all the time. i missed spain because it was really pretty and cool, but it was nice to be back in the states.

i started talking to an infamous ex-boyfriend (brandon), who i'd been dealing with on and off at that point for about 3 years. in january 2008, i went to my homegirl's 21st birthday party and had a great time. minus the fact that this dude blew my entire life by calling and texting me the whole time.

prior to my drive to the party (i was in annapolis, party was in woodbridge, so it took a solid hour to get there), i told him "i will be at a party tonight, so i will hit you later when i'm free."

i guess that meant "please call me 10 times in 3 hours and send me 20+ text messages, then tell me it's because you were concerned."

c'mon dude. you were not concerned. you were keeping tabs and got in your feelings when i didn't respond.

but i digress.

a few weeks later, i stopped getting calls and texts altogether. fine by me, but with our history, i at least wanted to make sure everything was alright. we'd go through this every so often; all of a sudden he would stop calling/texting/e-mailing/facebooking/communi-cating/breathing and we'd fall off again.

this time was different. this time was because *insert longest drumroll ever here* he got someone pregnant and the baby was here.

*pause* what? are you kidding me?

yes. this guy got someone pregnant in april 2007.

rewind for me again. we went through an on/off stage from march through may 2007. who does that? lucky for me, we did not have sex during that time, or he may have had twins by two different pissed off women.

so i contact him via facebook--since he blatantly refused to answer any of my other attempts--and he smugly replies that i was only mad because i was on the outside looking in and some other royal bs. royal.

on the outside looking in, doesn't even make sense in that context. i think that's what irritated me the most. because clearly.
i got so mad that i left campus in search of his car. i knew he was at work (which just so happened to be up the street from my last class), but for some reason i just could not find that freaking car. and i guess it was to his benefit, because i was going to key the mess out of it. i had a swiss army knife and i was going to poke the tires. i had a brick and i was going to bust the windows. i was going to make that car look like it had been totalled.

but i just couldn't find it! imagine how much more pissed i was at that point.

i went to the bar and drank. i didn't really give myself an opportunity to cry because i didn't feel he was worth that kind of effort (strange, considering i almost killed his car).

2 weeks later, i'm back at the neighborhood bar (northside richmond, a restaurant called sandy's...i knew the owner) throwing a few back before class. when all of a sudden...

this guy walks in. he sits right next to me, and in typical ronetta "i don't know you so move. thanks, management" behavior, i turn all the way around in my seat, blocking him out of the conversation i was having with my friends (who are also my godsister's husband's family members--another post, another day).

he says, "excuse me, can i grab a napkin?" the napkins distance, for him, would've been reaching across me, so i moved a bit and went back to conversation.

then he gave me a 2-piece combo. "you're so pretty. you're not from around here, are you."

what can i say? i'm a leo...we like positive attention. so without blushing i said thank you and told him that i was from maryland but i went to vcu.

he said he went to morehouse for a few years but ended up coming back home when his dad got sick.

sorry to hear that.

he buys me a few drinks. blah blah blah. i love free stuff. i love stuff i don't have to pay for, so he was at least cool in my book.

we exchanged numbers and i went to class.

yes, i went to class. i guess this is where i should tell you that at that point, yeah, i was somewhat of a professional.

the next day passes, no call. fine by me, too much going on. but the second day, i get a call. he wants to chill.

i know where chilling leads, so i said no. and that it'd be better if he planned something for us to do because i'm busy.

ha. busy. i was kinda busy...i wasn't working but i was waiting for a response on an interview i had the week before. school kept me kinda busy. but not busy enough to not chill. i chilled all the time.

the next day i found out i got the job at the hotel. i started training that weekend and met another cool guy (no, he was actually cool. no sarcasm at all there, i promise) and we hung out a lot.

the cool guy invited me out for drinks (not donnell, because he's not a cool guy), and it just so happened to be one of my friends' birthdays, so we went to buffalo wild wings.

i still remember what i drank that night. 2 vodka & cranberrys, 2 whiskey sours, 4 top shelf long island iced teas, 4 shots of patron (i went shot for shot with someone).

needless to say, i was totally plastered when we left. my friend drove my car, and since i was supposed to be the DD, he had to drop other people off at home before taking me home, and another friend had to follow us so he'd have a ride home.

quite the night, right?

instead of me going to my own house (i lived with my godsister's husband's mother at the time), i call donnell to come pick me up from my house so i could go to his house. this entire time, i was also texting another friend in maryland to come down and chill for the weekend. that never happened. who does that.

that night, i puked all over his bathroom and then fell asleep all over his bed. he had to sleep on the couch.

and that was the first time donnell and i hung out. awesome, right?

the next morning, i woke up totally disoriented as to how i got there, but he was really friendly and asked if i was hungry. he made breakfast and we watched saturday morning cartoons. that's when we started to click a bit. weird, right?

right.

fast forward a few months. in this time period, i'd dealt with being stalked (by one of his exes), having to change my phone number (one i'd had for 3 years), almost having to call the police to come get me out of his house (yeah, he locked me inside and took my car and cell phone), and some very physical altercations.

in any order, i:
punched him in his stomach
slapped him across his face
punched/busted him in his chest
kicked him in his chest
punched him in his throat/neck
punched him in his arm
jacked him in his collar

you know, the funny (not haha, because it's clearly not that kind of funny) part about this, is that i look abusive. it's true, i will admit that. but here are the measurements:

i was 5'9", he was pushing 6'4".
i weighed about 170, he weighed about 225.
i had boobs, he had balls. i never hit him in his balls. that's just wrong.

he had this thing about him--he liked to be in complete control. physically, mentally, emotionally and even sexually. he never forced himself on me, and i think that's really because of his prison stint (any convict who has not committed a crime against a woman or child, would kill another person who committed this crime).

i'm not one who is easily controlled on any of those levels.

he had an attitude problem. he was way too aggressive. he was way too controlling. i have never been locked in someone else's house. ever. that is probably close to the worst feeling ever, especially when you are left with no communication method and no way out. i had to search high and low for the house phone, then charge it, in order to call him on my cell phone.

anytime something became physical, it was because of something he said to me (in an effort to control me) or something he did to me. he would grab me, and i would snatch my arm away, then punch him. it's really awful that he didn't learn from the first time i fought back.

there was never a time where i didn't fight back. i just stuck around because it was what i came to expect from him and i could deal with it.

but my breaking point was probably when he said he wanted to have children and expected for us to be together for a while. how can you even fix your mind to want to be with someone with whom you are constantly in physical altercations? considering the fact that he already had 3 daughters (and i would not want them to see their father's behavior towards me and feel like that's what they should expect from men, generally), while he did have arrangements with their mothers (mmhmm, plural) to take care of them, he was not totally on point with this.

so i slowly backed away. i stopped visiting as much. stopped answering phone calls. told my receptionist to stop patching his calls through and tell him i was in a meeting.

about a month later, i popped up at his house just to say hi and see how he was doing. we talked a bit and came to a common ground about not seeing each other. in my eyes, we were never in a relationship. in his eyes, we were close to being married. that completely shows anyone just how incompatible we were.

a few months later, however, he called me thinking we should start over.

my response: absolutely not. if i have to hit you for us to come to an agreement, it's never going to work.

i said i was gonna do it...

...i said i was gonna write about the reasoning behind the estrangement between me and the evasive ronnie, so let's see what i can come up with today.

so we all know (if we don't, welcome!) that he was incarcerated from about january 1987 until roughly may 2009. i don't know exact dates because i can't keep up with that shit dates that well.

from what i remember, he was released in 1994 in late april. this release was short lived, mainly because when you take someone who is programmed to do the wrong things, it's only a matter of time before they do (what?) the wrong things. again.

he was apprehended a day before my 8th birthday. i didn't find this out until i was much older, and for a good reason. because clearly.

he stayed in for 15 years after that. if that's not missing your only child's childhood, i have no idea what is.

upon his release, i planned to drive to harrisburg to visit him and maybe spend some time with him. at this point, i was pretty open to getting to know him and making an effort towards bridging this huge gap creating a relationship from scratch with him. he seemed pretty open to it as well.

i drive to harrisburg, and instead of us just spending what i consider "normal" time together, like having lunch or sight seeing, he wants to go to walmart. i'm like okay, well he probably needs food and there were no walmarts when he was a real citizen an adolescent/young adult, so he might be intrigued.

we go to walmart. we spend approximately 2 hours in walmart going up and down each aisle and picking out random crap. when it was time to check out, he had some money, but he was short about $50 bucks. guess who got the honor of footing the remainder of the bill? me. it was fannnnn *wait for it* tastic! spending $50 on things i will never eat for a person i have no relationship with, who i just drove over 200 miles to see is something i always want to do with my free time. especially on independence day weekend. that always feels so good.

i shrugged it off and paid the $50 bucks so he could have all of his unnecessary food. i guess he didn't consider the fact that he lived in a rehab home as part of his parole contract, and would be sharing a small refrigerator with other people, as his things took up most of the space in the fridge, and he *boop* didn't know how to cook any of it.

once that was done, i had to leave, because he had a curfew. a really early curfew, because he was a newbie. so it was a pretty pointless visit. i went back to my hometown and partied with my cousins.

the fall comes and so my mom and i decide to go for a visit because there's some kind of parade going on in harrisburg, and that's way better than going to walmart for 2 hours. at this point, homeboy's got a job, so he took us to ruby tuesday for lunch. then we went to the river (where the parade was happening) and walked and talked.

i hate to sound mean, but this kind of thing is something that should've been done when i was about 5. not eleventy-two (read: 23). at any rate, it was a nice day.

a couple months pass and he starts to become the awesome person he is today.

okay, so i started dating this guy, right? i lived in richmond (va), we met through mutual friends (via work), and at the time he was living in columbia (sc), but he was preparing to move to charlotte (nc) a few weeks later, putting us at 4 hours apart. not horrible, but not a trip you make every weekend, either.

so i went down a few times just to get the hell away from richmond. and i had a great time. lo and behold, ronnie asks me to come visit again.

my first reaction was, why don't you take a bus down to visit me instead, and you can stay at my apartment? it's senseless for me to drive 200+ miles to visit you for 2 hours since you have a curfew, and then i'd have to turn right back around and drive to stay at my mom's house (in annapolis) for the night, before making the 2+ hour trip back to richmond. just kinda pointless to me.

and the guy i was dating had this really nice, really comfortable condo in a quiet neighborhood, and all i had to do was show up and he'd take care of the rest of the weekend. that sounds a lot more promising to me, than spending most of my weekend in a car.

so i told him i had plans to go to nc that weekend, and this guy flips all the way out, says i'm boy crazy (mind you i am 23 and the columbia/charlotte guy was 25), and that i'm selfish.

*brakes screech* i think selfish is expecting me to drive 5 hours to pay for $50 of your groceries again.

i think selfish is when you don't offer gas money or to travel down to see me, since i've made the trip to see you twice already.

i think selfish is expecting anything from me, when you've done nothing.

no, i think that is a sense of entitlement--something i don't now, nor have i ever, tolerated.

needless to say i didn't go visit. he had an attitude about that for about 6 months (additional time wasted).

jesse convinced me to go visit, so we went together. it was a fun time. this time, ronnie paid for lunch. *shocked face*

we really only had time to eat lunch and talk a while before we had to leave. at this point, he'd moved to his own room at a boarding house, so there was no curfew.

but there was also no space, so there was no way we could stay if we tried.

the rest of 2010 was spent arguing. i gave up for what i thought would be the last time in april of that year.

boy was i wrong.

i get a happy birthday text on my 24th birthay, after telling him to lose my number. guess old habits die hard. i deleted the text, but jesse convinced me to contact him because maybe he was extending an olive branch.

things lightened up a bit for a few months. and then bam, back to the attitudes and the arguing.

back to the bull shit you know what, yes bull shit. that's what it was back to.

i tried again to smooth things over by visiting him in that awful place i told you about in my 100 boring things...you know, that place where i was born? yeah, that god-forsaken place. so boring. *yawns just thinking about it*

jesse and i traveled north, yet again, from richmond, for one birthday dinner. that weekend i was a bit under the weather, i had to sing in a concert in my hometown, and i was between paychecks. you know what that means. that awesome point in your week where you are so stoked to find a dollar under the seat of your car. yeah, that point.

i wear a sundress and sandals, do my hair, and go. we take pictures. i was in a good mood, but my sarcasm shined through marvelously. luckily, people laughed; typically, they stare. i'm fine either way, as long as i laugh.

we head over to my cousin's restaurant and have dinner (at this point, i'm celebrating me, so i get a hennessee on the rocks). he doesn't pay; my cousin comps the bill, although i offered to pay for it (my cousin wouldn't let me). fine, right? great freaking day.

my 25th birthday rounds the bend. as far as i know, i've had the same birthday since, well, birth. july 30. it never surprises me (though the age does, every year without fail), so i don't see how a date that comes around every single year, surprises anyone.

it's whack. i created an event on facebook and invited a bunch of people, but left the event open so that anyone who wanted to come, could come. he sends me an e-mail about a week later that said yeah so i'm not gonna be able to come to your little birthday thing.

*blank stare* awesome. because it would suck if you could.

he said something about having to work that weekend and that he'd taken off too many weekends before, blah blah blah. but really? he could've taken off work if he wanted to take off work. it's not like he is a freaking CEO of anything but poop.

he works as a steward at a hotel. a steward, you ask? someone who does all the dirty work no one else on payroll wants to do. a chef doesn't take out garbage, clean floors, wash dishes, does he? no, that's what the hotel pays a steward to do. but let ronnie tell it, he is a multitasker.

*pause* when did they start hiring for those?

i forgot to mention he has a crum-snatcher girlfriend who he spends most of his time with. she is 4 years older than me and doesn't have a high school diploma. as you can see, he is fully of the classy. she lives with her mother, doesn't know her father (hmm, maybe we do have something in common), and doesn't have a job. she was fired from her job and because she has no real skills or education, no one else will hire her.

i'm pretty sure they're a match made in heaven.

so cheers to you, anal fissure. you officially, royally, and completely suck.

worth

you go through things
you fight, you scratch
you claw and snatch
and cry and patch things up
and in the end it was all worthwhile...
to start off with the wrong intentions
make sacrifices, draw attention
get caught up in it all and forget to mention
i love you
i'd do anything for you.
for better, for worst
in sickness and in health
'til death do us part?
that's forever...the promise you make with the only person in the world made for you.
and no one said it would be easy
but in the end it was all worthwhile...
can you push the little things aside
go through hell and high water
break your back for love?
because that's what it's about.
it's a fight to the death.
love conquers all because it has never been conquered...it never will be conquered.
it withstands the test of time.
forget all of the menial things in life
forget ring sizes and perfect dresses
forget the drama and the hot messes
forget everything else.
because in the end, it will all be worthwhile.
can you humble yourself to admit a mistake?
can you survive love, when all you have left is a headache?
some debt, some scars, some pains
some aches, some tears, some stains...
does it really matter?
in the end, is it all worthwhile?
to wake up next to the person you see in your dreams
only to realize you're living your dream...
to lose track of time in thoughts of the good times
only to make more come true...
to look at yourself in the mirror and feel incomplete because your reflection doesn't show your soulmate.
to not be able to hear his heartbeat because he is away, and feel like your breathing is altered.
is it worth it?
to shut down when it crumbles in your face and
displace emotions, jumping from one meaningless occurrence to another...
losing yourself in oblivion because you can't cope with the fact that things may never be the same?
was it ever worthwhile?
to cast down pride and present yourself a living sacrifice to love...
to align yourself with the One who created you and is seated above...
to join in covenant with the one who fits you like a glove.
looking back on past mistakes...regrets...
you wouldn't change one thing because the knocks made you stronger
it tested the strength of the union and now the knot is sealed.
individually you both can make it on your own but you don't want to.
you can join hands and look over your shoulders and smile...
the brightest, most luminous, most genuine smile ever.
knowing that you've seen the worst and overcame.
you lived to tell the tale.
and the best is in front of you for you to enjoy as one.

yes.

it was all worthwhile...in the end.

(c) ronetta cheryll

the counter-productive pursuit

i found an old piece laying around and figured i'd post it. enjoy.

**

if i told you how i really feel
you would probably hate me
so i take pride in keeping my
feelings inside in order to save face.
yours, that is.

you look crazy.
telling me this and that
how much you dig him and
how fine he is
and how you're interested.
do you know i'm with him?
do you know we're happy together
and plan to be doing this thing forever?
i thank you for all the nice things you say
how he's just so nice and special
and just thoughts of him help you get through your day
how the mental picutre you have of him soothes you in every way
you should stop and pray...
...to God, that i don't laugh in your face.

yes, he is amazing.
yes, he is quite talented.
and yes, he is easy to love.
i know, because i fell in love with him
and it didn't take much time because of how
wonderful he is
but he is also
very taken.

i love to sit around and entertain
your delusions
we've been cool for a while now
but if your delusions go much further
it may be time for us to have a little sit down

we wanted to keep our relationship a secret
just because of niggas like you
because niggas are never happy
niggas never like to see others' dreams come true
we were meant for each other
and we are loving every minute of this ride
we've been in difficult relationships before
ones where we've tried and tried and tried...
to no avail.

we've been friends for such a long time
and it seemed almost too good to be true
finding someone right in front of your face
someone you get along with; someone who really understands you

you're not gonna come in the middle
and separate what we've worked hard to build
friendship, trust, and ultimately love
those are things i'm not willing to easily relinquish
it's funny to hear you talk about him
in such a way that would make it seem as though he weren't involved
it's a delight that someone else finds him
just as remarkable as i do.

you can say whatever you like
you can parade around and not even care
but i promise you if you take it a step further
i will be certain to make you aware.
he is the rib from which i was created
and he feels i am an extension of him
so he gives me the complete and total authority
to break you down on a whim

we will do what it takes to make this work
we have the basis down to a science
we're always praying and reading our words
together
so we can reinforce each others' strength

there's not much more i can say
i will continue to let you speak
i just had to write this letter to get this off my chest
although the contents may seem bleak

i'll even encourage you to approach him
although i know you don't have the balls for that
i know you don't deal with rejection well
and i'm just fine with that;
he's much too sweet to embarrass you anyway.

continue to entertain me with whatever tickles your fancy.
i'll always be a listening ear.
and you'll always be a story
for him and me to share.

(c) ronetta cheryll

a resistant soulmate

as much as i can’t stand it
you’re the one for me
i try so hard to suppress my emotions
but i wear my heart on my sleeve
unintentionally

every time i see you
it’s a feeling i can’t describe
for so long i’ve been in denial
not even convinced if i were bribed

i’ve been down this emotional path
a time before, maybe two
and as soon as i go on a few random dates, thinking it was over
i turn right back to you

i hate it!
it’s so confusing the way my mind plays tricks
but the love i feel for you inside
weighs on my heart like a ton of bricks
you need to stop making me feel like this!

you probably don’t do it on purpose
i’d be giving you too much credit if i said you planned it
just your persona and aura makes me weak
and for real, i can’t stand it.

unhand me, sir.
i’m asking you nicely.
release my emotions
back into the depths of the sea.

effortlessly
you received them
unfairly you kept yours hidden
i felt like i was on a one way street
while you waited jokingly at the other end.

don’t pretend
that you didn’t feel the chemistry between us
when we first laid eyes on each other.
you learned i was a few years younger
but the love you felt for me you never felt for another.

you discovered
we were a lot alike
just from the interactions we had
and the cute ways we laughed at each other’s jokes
made all the other chicks mad

too bad!

i knew all along this day would come
and i’d be lying if i didn’t say i was proud
but the amount of time it took to get here
shouldn’t have been allowed.

two stubborn people
with independent minds of our own
we dated around and met some cool people
but because we weren’t together, i was really blown.

is it because of your beautiful brown skin?
or is it your thick, curled eye lashes?
it may even be your perfect white teeth,
but no matter the situation i get hot flashes.

maybe it’s your kind heart
or the gentle words you say
to make people feel welcome and loved
in every single way.

maybe it’s your quirky personality
no one sees you like i do
maybe it’s how i miss you when we’re not together
and my whole world turns misty blue.

you mean so much to me
i could become undignified.
is it the way you love me?
just writing this about you makes me teary eyed

i think of you nostalgically
as if we were together in another life
like maybe then we were lovers
you were my husband and i was your wife

this just isn’t right
it’s some type of sick joke fate is playing on us
we know we belong together
marriage, kids, and such.

you help me be a better person
i help you organize your thoughts
together we’re unstoppable
but only one of us can be ‘the boss.’

i submit, because that’s the order.
what i have is yours, and what’s yours is mine
i’m nothing but willing to share
in order to watch our fruit blossom from one vine.

we are one
from now until forever
i’ll do whatever i can to see you prosper
and give up on us, never.

i promise to protect your heart
because i am your rib
i will shield your emotional being
like a baby is shielded by a crib

i will honor and always trust you
to make decisions on my behalf
i know we’ll make mistakes
but at least we’ll be able to look back and laugh

you are my one and only, babe
i was made for you and you for me
so on this day I surrender myself
and vow to love you unconditionally.

in sickness and health
till death do we part
may the story of our love
truly be God’s best work of art.

you are a wonderful man
i love you, and i always will.
cherish every moment we have together
because time never stands still.

you’ll always be the one for me
and i’ll always be the one for you
so no matter what happens in this life
just remember: all that matters are we two.


best friends became husband and wife
mister and misses however, whatever, whenever
i got your back for real
and that’s a responsibility i treasure

we have the future ahead of us
and after all that we’ve been through
we deserve to be together
there’s no stopping me and you.

(c) ronetta cheryll