that ish cray.

alright! it's august 21, and so much has changed since the last time i wrote.

for starters, i am single. it was a steady progression of undoing between jesse and i, and while i can't say i was thrilled about it when it happened, i can honestly say that i am very happy where i am right now. i'm a lot less stressed. jesse and i are still friends, and i definitely feel the split was for the best.

i've been excelling more at work, but i'm still unsatisfied with working for the current managers i have. needless to say, my resume is active.

my dad and i haven't spoken in over a year. at first, i was clicking my heels. now i miss him.

i feel like things have really been turned upside down! i have been doing some of the things on my 52 in 52 list, but there is a HUGE part of me that feels this blog is somewhat outdated/irrelevant now. maybe i should just STOP blogging until i'm more stable, you know? like married, living where i'm going to be living, etc. at least the characters in the story wouldn't change, lol.

i've got a couple new friends, my goddaughter is still awesome (lots of updates there; she's going into 2nd grade), a new nephew (he's turning 7 in september, and he is amazing), my cousin got married (this is only the 3rd marriage of my first cousins, all of the older cousins are still NOT married)...just lots of updates and changes and lots of big steps forward.

i think i'm going to start another blog and leave this one the way it is...for archive purposes. :)

more later...

finally...

i finally feel like i can write now.
right now.


the past few months have been a damn doozy, to say the freaking least (lol). i haven't posted anything since january 13. i guess i could blame a lot of things for that, but instead, blanketed, i was just tired. i wasn't resting well, my knee felt like it wasn't improving, and things were just not right.


jesse and i celebrated 2 years on february 7. we broke up on march 16. the weeks leading up to the breakup weren't the best. our communication was suffering, we were both on different pages, it was best for us to stop. i didn't want us to end up hating each other, altogether, so we agreed on a break.


surprisingly, i'm feeling pretty awesome since then. i'm doing a lot more things just for me, as the mood strikes--whether it's taking a different route home, walking until my knee feels like it's going to fall off or taking a shot on my lunch break, lol. i have been enjoying my life and the freedom i have doing whatever i want, when the mood hits me. i just focus on me and making myself a better person. i don't have to worry about anyone else or focus on what they're doing/not doing. it's been pretty cool so far.


work has been...a mess. my managers really make me wonder if they're aliens or demon-possessed. just very...off...a lot. i should work for myself, permanently.


i've been doing some reflecting, more working out, more meditating, etc...and it's been great. i want to be a much better person, just for me. and that's where i start--finding things i want to change about myself, and actually working towards changing them.


it's been pretty good.

21. buy an awesome gift for one of my "sisters"

it's a couple of weeks after christmas at this point, but i did get keturah a pretty cool gift.

she's a huge target fan, and a huge scarf fan. so i got her this really pretty earth-toned paisley print scarf and a gift card to target. small, but thoughtful (and apparently i'm really modest, too).

i also got chelsea some pretty cool stuff as well. i mention this because she's my only biological sister.

i actually felt really super awesome by giving these gifts, so i want to do a giveaway!

here are the rules:

1) write an entry about an awesome gift you gave to a loved one.
2) comment back here and let me know so i can read your story.

then, i will do a drawing, and pick one awesome person to win the grand prize!

the winner will get a REALLY cool, small but thoughtful, gift from me (if you're willing to share your mailing address with me), FOR FREE!

deadline to give, write entry, and comment back to receive an entry into the giveaway: january 25, 12:00 AM EST (because that's where i am)

i think giving is awesome, and i want to give stuff to you, too. :)

happy new year

hey buddies,

i wanted to write you guys something heart felt to express how deeply sorry i am for not posting in a couple of weeks.

this holiday season has been one of the more hectic ones in my adult life. i haven't had to gumption or energy to write...well, at all.

a lot of it i can blame on stress, but the majority of it is more than likely because i am in the middle of one of my infamous bouts of depression.

yeah, it really sucks this go-round.

i think it stems back to my last doctor's visit, which was a physical. i had been going to the gym every day for almost a month. i felt great, and i could see the difference in how my clothes fit.

i went to the doctor and noticed that i'd gained 3 pounds. now, this is not a lot of weight to gain, if you're already in a healthy weight range, but i was pushing it already. the doctor sees these 3 pounds and says, "so i want you to focus on weight loss."

if could've shriveled up into a ball and thrown myself into an abyss, i would've done just that. i have never been told i need to try to lose weight--i have always been pretty muscular because of my overly highly athletic childhood. so that completely blew me.

a week or so before that, and 3 pounds lighter, nothing was said. but throw in the fact that i was doing 80% cardio, light lifting, and a lot of stretching for a straight month, at least 5x/week, i gain three POUNDS and now, all of a sudden, i need to focus on weight loss.

it's still fresh for me, yes.

i don't have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, thyroid issues, NOTHING. i'm not sick, i don't experience any joint pain that isn't associated with a previous, sports-related injury (i.e. i broke my tailbone about 7 or 8 years ago, and sometimes it is still sore, i tore my MCL in high school and just found out i have a bone spur and arthritis in that knee, i tore my left bicep and rotator cuff in a car accident about 5 years ago--all that crap hurts, it happens), and i don't consume more than 1700 calories per day.

but i need to FOCUS on losing weight.

so i asked for help--since at that point, i was doing pretty much/almost all i could do (except drink a whole lot more water), and was feeling a LOT better, to lose weight. she said, "oh, well i don't know...maybe try weight watchers."

that's all i can really say right now without being pissed off all over again.

needless to say, i abandoned my workout regimen, i started eating on the go more, and guess what? i haven't gained ONE POUND. how freaking stupid is that? how does that even work!?

*straightens clothes, clears throat*

*wipes bang away from face, places head in hands*

i'm frustrated more than i can conceptualize at this point. i'd love to have a personal trainer and nutritionist/dietician to help me, but my insurance doesn't cover those things for weight loss purposes, only if i have diabetes.

i think that's stupid, too.

but i really need help. i feel like everything is falling apart. i feel like nothing i do helps anything, i don't succeed at anything, and nobody is happy with me.

on top of that, my job is beginning to suck monkey balls in a huge major way. i'm accustomed to office politics; it is what it is. but there's all kinds of tomfoolery that goes on here, and i'm at the point where i don't know how much more of it i can take without going absolutely berserk.

i commute forever to work, and forever back from work, in traffic. i wake up at the butt crack of dawn, when it's still dark outside, and most mornings when i begin my commute, it's still dark outside. that's depressing. when i leave work, it's dark outside. i enjoy NO daylight, whatsoever.

there's no "me" time. there's no peace. there is just nothing but failing, gaining weight, and being miserable.

i'm still working on building my consulting business, kit&caboodle, which is a lot of fun, but again--i have no time for such things (what is fun?). i'm at a stand-still with it. i have almost all the groundwork completed, but i don't have time to market it the way i'd like to market it. i need a website, i need to build a clientele base by NOT annoying people (aka telemarketing, cold calling, or going door to door).

i want prospective clients to feel like they can confide in me for more than just my list of services--you know, i want to be a friend to the businesses i service. i want them to be able to call me for a position they want to fill AND business advice.

but what do you need to be able to market yourself as a business' go-to gal? time.

what am i lacking? time.

i want a new job closer to my house, but i want the same pay or a raise.

OR i want to be able to move closer to my current job (on which the jury is still out, deciding whether or not i LIKE this job enough to relocate and cater to it), and afford housing. i can technically afford it, but i'd have to make serious CUTS on other things, and i'm not sure i'm willing to do that just yet. i'm young, i want to have fun.

but i also don't want to work for someone until i die. i want to work for me, eventually. and MAYBE have one or two other people to work for me, too, like an assistant, and a junior exec/paid intern.

so much.

does anyone have any advice or tips for me? does anyone understand what i'm going through? if you've been through this before, i could really use a tissue and a hug.